Black Cloud

Confession, depression, this life I'm second guessin'
Like ashes, to ashes, I always seam to fall down.

I'm in a funk.

As funks go it's... a tough one to get out of. I've been in them before, tons of times. So I know it'll pass.

But, god, I'm sick of them.

The shit of it is, as soon as I get out of this one, I'll fall right back into another. It really pisses me off.

Where does it all stem from? Being lonely. That's it. Nothing more. I don't know what I can do to NOT be lonely either. I never, ever, was one for going to the bars. When I go there, I just want to hang out with my friends (which ain't around here) and drink a few beers. I don't want to get trashed, I don't want to shoot pool, I don't want to get phone numbers, I don't want to close the bar, I don't want to play video poker, I don't want to sing, I don't want to dance, and you know what? I don't want to fucking scream my goddamn fucking lungs out just to carry on a goddamn fucking conversation.

I also DON'T want somebody to constantly egg me on to talk to this girl or that girl or to fucking give me fucking crap about not talking to her.

In fact, it's generally some married (legally or via common law) person saying, " She totally likes you!" "She's been checkin' you out all night!" "There's no ring, ask her out!" FUCK YOU! What the fuck do you know? Do you really think that? Or are you wanting someone you know to tap that ass and tell you all you wish you could do? Or is it you want me to bring her in on the hook, so you can fillet her yourself? There was a report on msn.com about a month ago that said people in committed relationships loose the ability to tell how "in love" other couples are. (They missed every question) Whereas single people hit in the 80s to 90s. So I ask, "Do you really think the Hooter's waitress likes me?" Because I know all she likes is a big tip. And I'm not talking about the one on my dick.

So what prompted this little rant? Why now? Why, of all the time you've been down, did you pick this one to say your piece? Because just like asking a girl out, I had to build up to it. Because a new girl started at work, and the hazing started the first hour she was there. "Hey, you see the new girl?" "Sheees kinda cute..." "I didn't see a ring on her finger..." "Hey! You know what you should do? Ask her to the beer exchange! Yeah, say it's to meet her co-workers!" Again... FUCK YOU. You know what, she's not looking to get laid on her first day, hell first week. Plus we have a guy that'll hit on ANY double X human the second he smells her. He's in his mid to late 50s... he's what you call a "winner". Maybe it's because at the Beer Exchange last night, another co-worker said he's been talking up Angela, who says she won't date someone in her department, but is also looking to change departments. Did I ask her out? Yes, and got shut down with the same excuse. Was it a "No?" Is it a maybe? I don't know, but I also don't want to dwell on it. But it does piss me off who is going after her.

I once said (most likely to myself), that I don't "fall" for people, I crash. I don't know if it's my addictive personality, or if I'm a hopeless romantic (I've also considered psycho stalker). Ask anyone that's talked viva pinata or poke'mon with me. I may not finish the games (haven't yet, even Poke blue), but I could tell you everything about them. The same is true with me for women. I'll talk to them, sit back, listen, analyze, study, and make shallow attempts forward. But until something else "shiny" comes along, it pains me to not complete step away from them.

I want someone that just fits in. That I can talk to instantly, and get along with. Someone I don't have to put on my mask of "Funny Greg", "Smart Greg", "Charming Greg" "Jerk Greg", "Conceited Greg". How fucking hard is it to just FIND someone? And you know, sometimes I just want to fuck someone. There are night that I want someone to talk to, to hold, to love, to make fun of me for crying at the end of Band of Brothers. To cheer me up, find resturants in DSM, a play, a movie... SOMETHING! And there are othe nights I just want to bang the hell out of a nice ass. And I've heard it all before... "You don't want a one night sta.." YES I DO, shut up. But you know what? I also want a relationship that ISN'T remotely close to one. So I don't know WHAT i want.

I know I want the demons to leave me alone. I know I want my Mother to shut the hell up about "You need to get out there." I'm tired of my friends and family saying, "It'll happen." I'm sick of people correcting me when I say it WONT HAPPEN!!

I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of me not trying, or telling my co-workers I'm not going to Down Under when we left the beer exchange. But I'm not upset that I did, because all they wanted was to get sloshed, and rib me for not hitting on that waitress or barfly that their wives wont let them hit on. Or pick a fight with me because they think that I think I could kick their ass because I puff up my chest at them as a joke a couple of times. I don't want to fight, I just want laid, and if it's good enough I'll go back, buy them dinner, meet their parents, raise a dog or cat with them, buy a house and when they pass away, or I do, finally realize... I'd been in love, and 50 years, 3 kids and 10 grandchildren (and 2 great-grandchildren) had flown by.



And now the real reason for this rant... because I need it. Because I can't ask out Ms. Katie Funk at work if I feel down. Because a cute guy with highlights and braces ISN'T all Kristen's cute friend needs to start her life over, back here in Des Moines from Omaha. Even though thats what I tell Kristen to tell her. Because if Lindsey is single, and would date a guy at a job she just started at, Downer Fubar isn't the guy to bring to the table. And because maybe this time... I'll finally get something out of match.com or yahoo personals after 2 years of membership and 7 years of having profiles on them. Because playing video games is no longer a way to relieve what's bottled up in side...

Depression, Confession, this life I'm second guessin'
I'm tired, of runnin', it's time to face my demons.
Black clouds, they rain down, but they can't kill the Sun...
...inside.

Because sometimes not even the words of Papa Roach can pull me up. Sometimes I have to climb on my own.